Donna Bucher
Dec 1, 2024
"Hidden grief whispers loud among us, especially at Christmas, as we navigate losses too often dismissed or unacknowledged—but even in the pain, there’s a gift waiting to be unwrapped."
The simple task of writing Christmas cards usually fills me with joy as I pour heartfelt words onto each glitter-edged card. But this year, like a sudden cloud blocking the sun, sadness lingers over my desk. The hidden grief that surfaces at Christmas reminds me that not everything is merry and bright.
Grief, in its many forms, visits countless homes during the holidays. Some mourn the absence of loved ones lost to death, their places at the table empty and deeply missed. But another kind of grief—a quieter, often unacknowledged one—settles in many hearts. This is disenfranchised grief, a sadness that goes unnamed and unvalidated, leaving its sufferers struggling to understand or express their pain.
Disenfranchised grief often arises from losses that society dismisses or deems less significant because they aren’t tied to death. Losses like the death of a pet, divorce, estranged relationships, miscarriage, health challenges, or job loss carry the same weight of sorrow. Yet those who experience these losses often receive little support, their pain unseen.
At its core, grief is a natural response to brokenness in all its forms. But when left unacknowledged, it becomes a hidden burden, silencing its sufferers and forcing them to pretend all is well.
Pen poised in hand, I pause. My thoughts drift to Christmases past—filled with carols, laughter, and joy. Yet the present feels heavy. Empty places at the table, missing names in my address book, and the deep clefts in my heart overshadow my attempts to write. Hidden grief, like the ghost of Christmas past, casts a shadow over the season’s promises of joy and togetherness.
This grief is not limited to death. It includes the silent sorrow of wayward children, broken relationships, or the sting of health and financial struggles. These hidden losses are just as real, and the pain they bring is just as profound.
My training in grief counseling helped me recognize hidden grief, both in others and in myself.
Acknowledging and naming this grief gave it meaning, allowing healing to begin. I learned that to heal, I first had to validate my own sorrow—something no one else could do for me.
When I brought my hidden grief to God, I discovered His ability to redeem even the deepest pain. Embracing grief meant seeing it from His perspective, as part of a greater story. Like unwrapping a beautifully wrapped gift, I had to tear through the layers of pain to uncover the treasure within.
The holidays often heighten the longing for beauty, harmony, and joy. When life feels fragmented—when relationships are strained, health falters, or finances fall short—it’s as though graffiti has been scrawled across the perfect picture we imagine for Christmas. But even in these moments, God meets us. The same God who chose to enter our broken world through a lowly birth and a life marred by rejection understands grief intimately.
Isaiah 53:3 describes Jesus as “despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” Though we often associate this verse with His death, it also speaks to His birth and life. Born into circumstances surrounded by shame and gossip, Jesus bore the weight of grief from the very beginning.
In the same way, our hidden grief often carries a sense of shame—whether from wayward children, divorce, or financial struggles. But God sees beyond these labels. He understands every sorrow, even when others do not.
If your Christmas feels broken, joyless, or incomplete, remember that God holds you in your pain. Just as torn wrapping paper reveals a gift, suffering often reveals something valuable. Embracing grief allows us to see what remains with fresh eyes: the love we shared, the memories we cherish, and the hope for what lies ahead.
Here are some ways to navigate hidden grief during the holidays:
Acknowledge your grief: Recognize that grief is a natural response to loss and brokenness, whether tied to death or not.
Allow yourself to grieve: Even if others don’t understand your sorrow, give yourself permission to process your feelings.
Accept the loss: Whether it’s the loss of a relationship, independence, or health, grief cannot heal until the loss is acknowledged.
Say goodbye: Create rituals to honor what you’ve lost. Write a farewell letter, display a meaningful photo, or journal your memories.
Cherish hearts over presence: For those grieving relational losses, hold onto love in prayer, memory, or small reminders, even if the person is absent.
Invite God into your pain: Though grief often feels isolating, God fully understands and wants to meet you in your sorrow.
Ultimately, grief—no matter how hidden—can be a pathway to greater intimacy with God. By embracing it, we allow Him to transform our perspective, helping us cherish what we’ve lost while holding loosely to earthly treasures. Through grief, we learn to hope again.
Donna is a passionate creative, writer, poet, speaker, retired missionary, CASA volunteer, experienced counselor and hospice and palliative care support personnel. Founder of Serenity in Suffering blog, and author of the Serenity in Suffering newsletter on Substack, where she shares articles, resources and counseling designed to help readers grow personally and find spiritual intimacy with Christ; ultimately finding purpose in the trials they face.
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